Have you ever screamed at the top of your lungs from the depths of your gut and soul because you really understood that you were free? Well… maybe you haven’t or maybe you think this sounds crazy. But tonight I did. Something amazing came to life in the cracks of my soul and heart that only the Lord Jesus Christ could do. 

I was driving in the thickest fog ever and as every thing looked black, the Spirit said,

“Chelsie, I am Your light… everything else should fade and you should not be scared in the dark. You don’t need to run around in the dark trying to find the way out, just look at me.”

And all of a sudden, all I could see was Him. He has been taking me through a journey of breaking me and pouring out all of who I am, so He could make my heart and very being His home… so that He may be glorified and that others may know who He is. 

Nothing changed in that moment tonight— well what I mean is that I was still broken. But something beautiful happens when you realize that you need to be broken. We must be broken so we die to ourselves and live in all Christ commands. We cannot love; only Christ is love. If His power, strength and all He is does not pour out of us, then everything is a waste. When we are full of ourselves, there’s nothing that can happen… well nothing that really matters.

But I suppose everything did change in that moment.

I felt like the blind man that Jesus healed and when He was questioned by everyone all he could say was,

“All I know is that I was blind but now I see.”

I was free.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

John 8:36

I think our fear and flesh really gets in the way so much of really believing and living this. You see, when Christ sets us free, it’s all paid for. On the cross, He said,

“It is finished.”

Oh Lord, forgive us for all the times we live like it’s not.

But our freedom is not to just give you and I hope or a happy little life on this earth… no. It is far greater than that. It’s to be poured out for His glory so the world can see His freedom and all who He is. It’s so others can walk, dance, scream, rejoice and live in freedom.

Tonight, I was talking to God about what it meant to really pray.

“Your Kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.”

Those aren’t just some nice words to a prayer that a ton of people know… do you realize the weight of that? That’s asking God for Earth to be like Heaven… freedom. For God to live and do great amazing things amongst His people so those are dying can find life. 

In the dark, He was all I could see.

In Him, I saw hope, grace, love, mercy, joy, vision, purpose, strength, justice, steadfastness, patience… everything. I saw hope and freedom for a dying world.

And as I was driving in the fog and talking to God, I let it all out. I screamed with such joy from the top of my lungs. It was almost like I was shocked as I said over and over,

“All glory to You my God! I am free! I am free! All for you and your glory! I am free!”

I felt the sweetest tears of joy stream from the corners of my eyes. I started to laugh as I just told God how worthy He is and as I prayed for all of those He would set free as I asked Him to pour me out. I realized there was nothing in me at that moment… none of it was in my nature. It was something so radically beautiful.. it was God.

I don’t know if you have ever experienced freedom… of course I did almost 14 years ago when I realized all who Jesus was and that I was desperately in need of Him to save me. But I believe that as long as we are on this earth, we have to be set free… a lot. I think the saddest thing is when Christians never live like Jesus paid it all. Sometimes I think we all forget that because we are weak and we lose focus (I am so thankful He loves us enough to draw us back and never give up on us), but some people never live in this side of Eternity in freedom.

There’s power in freedom.

And when the world sees freedom, true freedom, it cannot help but take notice.

If you know what I am talking about, there’s so much to celebrate and truly thank and bless our Lord for. I’ve never screamed like that in my life… it was definitely a sweet moment with God. He’s our light and our freedom.

Time’s too short to not live free… others lives are depending on it.

I’m so thankful God blacked out everything so all I could see was Him.

With love,

Chee

God has wrecked everything I have ever known and come to call my life these days. The funny thing is, I look at what this culture would call strange or a disaster and I see something beautiful. I know I am not looking at it with my own eyes and I know I didn’t get to this point because of anything I have done. Something supernatural happened— I was blind, but now I see.

I never knew how precious brokenness really is; yet I think brokenness is something that we are all extremely afraid of as humans. We are afraid of it because it causes us to be vulnerable, unsure and very detached from ourselves. Basically all we knew or held on to is not there anymore; it’s been messed up, torn down and we feel almost naked. We stand there with everything stripped away and we shiver, knowing we cannot do anything and we fear what others will think.

In those fears, you see it’s all about you… it’s what you see, what you feel, what you don’t have, what you wish you could change, what you want, what you think others think…

No wonder it’s so uncomfortable… we weren’t meant to look at it through our eyes.

This is where the past six months of my life come in.

I was broken for so long… I was fighting the fact that God broke me to set me free. I was ignoring the fact that His words breathed over me:

“Remember not the former things, 
 nor consider the things of old. 
Behold, I am doing a new thing; 
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? 
I will make a way in the wilderness 
and rivers in the desert.”

Isaiah 43:18-19

You see, God doesn’t waste His time. He’s not like us. There are times in our lives when we are living for everything we think He wants and we are really so far that He breaks us… He breaks us to set us free.. to heal us.. to love us.. to change us.. for His glory and for others, so they can be set free.

I was broken and when things are broken, they need to be rebuilt. But my mind never focused on the rebuilt part. My selfishness always saw what was broken. Yet each day, He kept saying softly,

“Chelsie, forget the former things. Don’t you see what I am doing something new? I’ve provided a way for you when there seems no way… a miracle.”

I’ll never forget the day I heard that voice finally. In my brokenness, I felt so alone but it was because God was calling me to just love Him. I was sitting in an airport and it about knocked me over when I heard the still small voice. 

I was broken… and it was beautiful. It literally was not only to save my life, but to save others.

When I was broken of myself, I was poured out of all that was selfish.

Now in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay, some for honorable use, some for dishonorable. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work.

2 Timothy 2:20-22

Our flesh and everything we are apart from God is well, dishonorable. There is nothing good in us—- period. If there is anything that shines of love or something good in us, it is God. For such a long time in my life, I was lead astray. How can people who were born a mess and in sin do anything worth anything? Apart from God it is impossible. 

In my brokenness, I saw an invitation.. one to be made into a vessel that was honorable, one that was set apart. But it was not for me to feel better or for people to be like wow look at her… it was for the Master.. for my Lord… for Him to use me.

When I realized my depravity and I surrendered, brokenness became the thing that the Lord used to bring me back to life. For many weeks and months I lived almost dead. I was living dead because I was so wrapped up in all I lost… basically I was so wrapped up in me. Then the Lord basically smacked it down so hard that I knew I couldn’t live the way I was any longer:

not surrendering was affecting people I didn’t even know.. my children, grandchildren, people across the country and the world.. people who were stuck in bondage or going to be and they needed freedom.. they needed Jesus. But my choice of living dead and in bondage was letting them die. 

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1

There it was… the Holy Spirit breathed over His words upon me and He opened my heart. When we stand in His presence, we are made new. With a new year on my hands, I realized that this freedom is not for my happiness (although there is extreme and beautiful joy in Christ that surpasses everything this world has to offer) but this freedom was for others who were bound, hopeless and stuck in slavery. 

Suddenly I rejoiced in all that was broken. It all made sense, that He was doing a new thing. He broke me so I could no longer live, but He could live in me. He broke me so I could let go of everything that allowed others to die and stole glory from Him. He broke me because HE LOVED ME.

He broke me of myself… and all of a sudden, I was free. 

This new year has been awesome. I’m not talking about everything going right, because well, that hasn’t happened and it actually doesn’t happen most of the time. I suppose when I say that, I mean right in man’s eyes.

For the first time in my walk with the Lord, His Word actually is alive and I love it. I understand what it means to need it like it is food and drink. I went to Passion 2012 a few weeks ago, and it was so wild when just the very reading of the Scriptures washed me. The Spirit showed me just how mighty and powerful His word is… it is real and it is His very words. I can honestly say I have never felt that way about His word. It has changed everything in my life. I know it was nothing I did either… I was just broken of myself and ready to receive whatever Christ had to say. 

He repaired what was empty in me. He showed me how I found my identity in my circumstances and what had happened to me in the past six months. It’s really odd how we do that to ourselves… we seriously hold on to what is so bad and it becomes who we are. We lose all that God says we are. God says we are to be identified in Him. That’s because who He is truly is enough for us. His grace is sufficient and his mercy is unending. He tells us who we are and He made us for Him.. He does not tell us who we are based on our circumstances or failures; we all what to be accepted. We were designed that way because God wanted us to be found in Him. Yet we run  to everything else instead of Him.. So no wonder we are left empty and dissatisfied— we try to find who we are in the things that are temporary and only leave us empty. And in seeing my depravity and everything I looked to, He showed me how He was enough. And all of a sudden, I was whole.

Brokenness made life not about me anymore and it happened to be one of the most brilliant and beautiful things to happen yet in my life. I have been broken at many points in my life, but I can say that this season has been the hardest and yet most remarkable. 

Jesus really is all that He says He is and He really does make all things new.

My friends, take heart. If you are broken or resisting it, please let go. God has beautiful things in store. This life was never about me and you—- the more we try to make it, the more miserable it becomes and the more our world dies and suffers. It is all about the very God who loves us enough to make us new… so let Him.

“By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey His commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome. For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world- our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believe that Jesus is the son of God?”

1 John 5:2-5

I can’t love people if I first don’t love God and obey Him. If I really walk how He hs called, I will genuinely love people because I will have God’s heart. That’s the only way I can love the Kenyans or anyone else I meet or know. God’s heart is love and grace—my heart is failing and sinful. I have nothing good in me that will make an impact for eternity—this is why I need God and His ways to fill and direct me. Not only does obedience to God help me to love others, but it really shows me how to love the Lord. 

I also find it so freeing and exciting that the Lord is truly my Savior; I have a promise that I’ve overcome the world. That means I am free and not bound to hopelessness! I can truly live a life of liberty because Jesus paid it ALL to set me free so I could live. I don’t have to wait till eternity to live because I can live an overcoming life now as a testimony to what God has done. True victory in the world can be mine everyday if I just have

FAITH.

I just have to truly believe God. It is so simple; Lord please forgive me for all of the times I complicate it.

______ Church

(A branch of The Full Gospel Church of Kenya in Narok on the property of Osotua)

Tammy, speaking: “Where do I cast my eyes?”

·      I must always be honest with the Lord

·      Do I see a hopeless ending or an ending with hope?

·      I must mourn for my country because of its wanting to be godless… BUT where there is darkness, God is at work.

·      Scripture calls upon us to be the voice of this generation.

·      While this world is growing dark, the Lord is raising up His church. I must be ready to FIGHT and set my eyes in the right place.

·      I MUST get rid of the focus on myself… nothing is is a greater threat to the church than self—when my eyes are focused inward.

·      Sometimes I focus on my own hurt, strength, pity, interest, business…

·      Without Christ, it’s human nature to focus on self.

o   Acts 7:52-60

o   Stephen was talking to the church

o   Sometimes we are like the church in this story and ignore the things of God and the truth.

o   Stephen saw with HOLY EYES w/ a fixed vision on glory. He actually SAW Jesus.

o   Jesus was honoring His son Stephen while He faced a great adversary.

o   I don’t want Jesus seeing me focusing on myself.

o   What Jesus saw as beautiful, the church found offensive because they were full of pride. They heard the truth but despised it.

**Often God uses the young to speak to the old… The young are pure and brave.

o   I must see the glory of God ahead of me! ***There’s hope even for the wicked.

****JESUS WILL STAND FOR US WHEN WE STAND FOR TRUTH.

o   There’s no room for hope when we hold on to our own sadness.

o   My offense can turn to emotion and my emotions can keep me from Christ. God designed us to have emotions… but what do I do with them? I close heaves doors when I focus on myself and pain; I don’t reflect heaven’s glory.

o   Pride causes me to focus only on myself.

o   When I’m offended, do I ask Jesus to help me love someone who hurt me or do I feel sad for myself and think about my own needs than the needs of the person who offended me?

o   Without God, I’m going to always carry hurt… w/ God, I am healed.

o   I cannot serve God the way He calls me to if I’m NOT FREE!!

o   Stephen shows us the proper way to take offense. I must focus on the one that is hurting me and pray for them and love them.

 

o   1 Kings 18:41-42 [a position of humility]

o   The first thing Elijah did was pray and made himself as small as possible, so God could be even greater. You can’t be full of pride/hurt and so focused on yourself and pray to for others

o   Elijah was a great, strong man, but he wasn’t afraid to be small in front of God and his friends.

o   God doesn’t always send a lightning bolt when we start praying, but we must not lose faith and continue to believe (seven times his friend went out till there was a sign of rain)

 

**** There’s a spiritual drought right now.. We have a power greater than any other false religion… Use me Lord.. bring on the flood.

 

o   I must surrender my hopes, pain, dreams and emotions to see God start to move.

o   One hand in the sky means use me!!

o   Do I want to struggle in this life or bring glory to the Lord?

———- I met a lady in church named Mes… pray for her. She is 24 and a teacher to small children in Narok.

4:20pm

Right now I’m sitting in a van at a grocery store. We are getting some food as a “gift” for a traditional Maasai village we are going to visit. We are going to visit the village to help us understand what the girls at Osotua come from. (We are going to go see Miriam’s stepfamily).

“I cannot curse the church and ask for money” – the “grandmother” of the tribe

——Pray for Rose (age 11) and Jacklyn (they are cousins)… Rose said to do good in school and that her father would go to church.

8:35pm

This morning at church was AMAZING. The Holy Spirit filled the place and our hearts. The service was long; it reminded me a lot of Mexico. The young people danced in front of the church and sang. All of the songs were either in Swahili or Maasai; obviously I didn’t understand anything, but it was beautiful to see once again that there’s so many people in different languages praising God. He is so glorious.

            After worship, two men did announcements, which took forever! Rebekah told us everything at church there was drawn out and becomes a sermon. She was right because one man kept saying, “praise God” during it. HA.

            Then the bishop spoke and said he wanted to welcome the visitors. He called Rebekah up and she greeted the pastor, his wife, the elders and the church. She spoke about how they came (the smallest seed) for the first time three years ago and how they love Kenya and now they brought their friends. (Of course this was being translated for the church. There were a ton of people there by the way… the little kids roamed around during the service and everyone was decked out!)

Side note: right now, there’s no power in the hotel, so I am writing with my flashlight… so epic and African.

            Then Tammy went up and kissed the bishop on the cheek. The church LAUGHED—later we found out that it is not allowed! HA… they were probably thinking,

“What is this crazy white lady doing?”

            Anyways, Tammy explained that our team was from all different places in the world and had different color skin—just like what Heaven will be like. She said God called us and we saved up money to come see them. She then had each of us introduce ourselves and give the church a greeting. When it was my turn, I started by saying,

            “God is good!”

            And to my surprise, the church responded,

            “All the time!” …. In English!

            I said “amen” with lots of excitement. I told them my name was Chelsie and I brought greetings from Florida and Alabama. I told them my family and friends had been praying for them for many months and I was so glad to finally see their faces. Of course I had to be silly and I told them that I feel at  home because the Maasai are tall like me. Everyone laughed and I ended by saying I am so excited to serve with them and see what God has in store.

            Then Tammy preached and WOW did the Spirit move… I was so convicted—I felt like this word was for me. It’s like the Lord showed me exactly what hinders me from complete surrender to Him. When she was down, she asked us to come up to pray for Kenya and the people. That was one of the strongest feelings of the Holy Spirit I’ve ever had on me. I was shaking as I prayed for the church and Kenya. I don’t even remember what I said, but it was as if power was coming out of my mouth; I wasn’t shaking because I was nervous, but because the Spirit was upon me.

I started to weep.

I really love Kenya.

After church, we ate lunch—I had some kind of beef curry and I know Desmond would be so proud. Then we picked up to girls from Osotua—Miriam and Alice, to go visit Miriam’s family. Her family lives somewhere on the way to the Maasai Mara; it’s definitely in the bush. Tammy said there were actually lions out on the land the people lived on. Can you believe that when these girls run away because of FGM they face the chance of getting killed by a lion? Many girls actually die trying to escape. Miriam said this fence on the land that we came up to was new, so we couldn’t drive in where she was use to walking in. Tammy said we should walk because of lions, so we got back in the vans and had to be careful of all the thorn bushes so the tires wouldn’t bust.

Finally we reached the little village, made of a few cow-dung houses. The wives actually build and up keep the houses. I met a girl named Lydia who actually spoke English. I was surprised that she spoke so well—- she told me she learned in school. Maybe because her village is not as far in the Maasai Mara is why she an go to school. Anyways, we got to look in her house; it was small and only one room, where there was a fire pit for cooking and where the WHOLE family sleeps. It was dark, cramped and smelled of smoke. It’s hard to believe that people can live in there.

I forgot to mention that when we first got there, we were not welcomed. The “leader” of the tribe, who everyone calls “grandmother” was not happy when we showed up. She got ugly with Beth for taking photos and even thought I couldn’t tell when she was saying, I knew she was mad; she was dressed in traditional Maasai clothing and jewelry. Praise God that Tim is on our team! The Lord knew that we needed someone who could speak Maasai. Tim explained that we were not tourists and that we came from the church. We had no money to bring, but we brought them some gifts of food. The grandmother received that well and said,

“We cannot curse the church and ask for money.”

She told us we were welcomed because we were from the church and not tourists. Often the Maasai feel like they are “animals” for show because people come to just take pictures of them, like they would an elephant or something. That is very heartbreaking to be honest… people aren’t for show—it was a good reminder that we didn’t come to Africa for a photo shoot.

Then I met a girl named Rose wearing a blue dress w/ beads (very Maasai looking) that her aunt made. She spoke English as well because of school. I asked her how old she was and she said 11—Tammy whispered on my ear that she’s at the age where soon they will perform FGM. I wanted to burst into tears as I looked at her… She was beautiful and just a baby! When I was 11, I was still afraid of boys and I thought it would be forever away till I was going to get married. My period hadn’t even started yet! Oh that broke my heart.

Then grandmother took us to her house; she explained that the whole village considers themselves to be her children. Our whole team, plus some children crammed into the dark, tiny hut. It smelled so smoky and I was trying hard to focus. Rebekah asked if there was anything we could pray about for her. Grandmother said:

“That God would give food. That God could give rain. That God would protect my family and my health.”

Tammy prayed and the Lord used her to preach His truth through her prayer. She basically said who God is, that He’s the only way and hope and asked for the Lord to be their ONLY God. Even as she prayed for each need, it was like a sermon was mixed in. I am so thankful that Tim could translate—that was such a perfect opportunity to share the gospel. We all held hands and I’m so surprised we all fit in there! I am so blessed we got to do that. I really pray that the Lord impacts that village.

After that, we had to leave. I gathered Lydia, Rose and Jacklyn and got down on my knees and told them they were so beautiful to Jesus. No matter what anyone says or thinks of them, they must always remember and not forget that. They told me yes and thank you. I asked them if they believed what I said and they said yes. I asked if I could take a picture with them so I could remember them and pray for them and they said yes.

As we were leaving, Rose followed me to the van.  I asked her how I could pray for her and what she said RIPPED my heart out:

“For my father to go to church and for me to do good in school.”

I know her dad probably still believes in FGM and I know she knows it will happen to her. Also if you’re a female and not educated in Kenya, it’s just a hopeless situation. I am going to pray that she truly finds the Lord can get out of the situation she is in… God is big enough.

I wanted to cry in the van, but Tim told me to keep it together so Miriam and Alice, the Osotua girls, would not see. This was Miriam’s family and it would not be healthy for her. God is really getting on to me about my emotions and not losing control. I’ve had issues before and He’s teaching me why I must change—for His glory. Emotions aren’t bad, but if you let them rule you, it’s over—I’m only glorifying my flesh.

It’s no accident that the Lord is teaching me this now. When I think about the past months and how I snapped when it came to my emotions, I realized I never surrendered them to the Lord. I was only focusing on myself and It was hurting Desmond so much. Lord, please forgive me. I need your help! Thank you for showing me this and constantly teaching me to surrender. Lord, please keep Desmond and heal his heart for all of the times I was selfish. I praise you that in this it’s teaching me how to honor you and also how to protect Desmond. Thanks Lord for letting me see his continent… it’s really beautiful. As I see the hurt these people go through, it helps me understand what Desmond has been through.

Side note: As we were leaving, I realized that there were no men at the village. Supposedly they were “working.” That makes me sad… the women are like slaves and do everything.

Link  to a pic of the three beautiful Maasi girls: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150434392694546&set=t.5033518&type=3&theater

Reading my Kenyan journal… Day 4, August 22, 2011 soon to be typed up.

Man am I thankful that the Lord told me to go.

I came to the end of myself and I found God; His arms were open and His path was straight. His understandings were healing when I realized He knows and I don’t. My “understandings” left scars, unanswered questions, pride, judgement and really they didn’t make much sense at all. But His, they were beautiful. You see, His ways are good. My ways are broken and sinful, so how could I make much of anything worth something? I couldn’t, but he could.

So he taught me to let go of my independence. Independence from Him that is… we’d all be foolish to say we haven’t been there, no matter how long or short we’ve known Him. Somehow, some way, sometimes, we get it in our head that we “got this.” That’s when pride and grace battle… our flesh is full of pride while our Lord is full of grace. Sadly, we too often throw in the towel and chose our pride, not knowing we are actually choosing death. We freely chose pain and everything we are truly scared of; we chose the things we really don’t want. We don’t even realize it, but because we are broken we cannot do what God intends.

Independence must die; He must live in us. We must not try to act like Him or try to copy His example, instead, we are to let Him live in us and change our very being. His Holy Spirit must come in and breathe life on us. We must surrender our soul, heart, mind, hand and all in us and let Him have control.

It’s not slavery, but pure freedom. 

In the surrender, we see our ways just lead to brokenness and God’s ways leads to beautiful places. We see who we really are and that we cannot do it. 

And in this, we become new.

My weary heart: I left and I showed up for my own life. I looked forward and walked away from the past. Instead of running from the past or ignoring it, I dealt with it; in that I grew up. With God’s strength, I chose to live in the present and very moments He’s given me. 

Life has meaning again… it’s only found in Him.

-chee 12/27/11

I remember this time last year clearly; there’s a few things that are the same but a bunch more that are different. Tomorrow, I am going home for Christmas… and this is where this all begins.

Last year at this time, I was at the end of me. I was tired and I felt like I could sleep for weeks. It was my first December away from home for my birthday and it was also my first December in four years not going to Mexico. My mind was ragged and yet my heart was clinging on to hope. God’s timing was perfect.

When I got home, God showed me why He didn’t allow me to go to Mexico. I was with a group of dear friends one night and around midnight, I got a phone call from my mom. My heart dropped when I looked at me phone because I knew something had to be wrong. Sure enough, she told me she was taking my daddy to the hospital. She didn’t know what was wrong and she needed me to talk to Corey, my younger brother. I held the phone in complete silence when a still small voice said,

“I am good; this is why I took away Mexico this year.”

When I hung up the phone, I told my friends what happened and then probably one of my sweetest memories of Christmastime last year took place— they gathered in a circle around me and just cried out for my dad, mom and family. The Holy Spirit swept through my friend’s living room and my restless heart was still.

You see, it was restless from months of crazy hard work.. I was fresh out of college, out of the big city and had no friends. Living and working at Hopes Inn was one of the most challenging and yet awesome things I have done. But at that point I was restless… it happens to all of us. We are so weak you know; any strength anyone has is not their own. So at just the right time, God paved the way to go home. And He showed me His goodness by showing why I needed to be home: for my family and what was going to happen and for rest. The prayers of my friends stilled my heart. 

When I went home that night, I talked to my brother… God knew I needed to be there for him. That night I went to bed in complete rest and peace and woke up the next day to another miracle from the very hands of God. 

That Christmastime the Lord spoke to me so much; I saw Him for who He was and my heart was overflowing with love for my Savior. I had also reached a crossroads I suppose… in about six months, my time at Hopes Inn would be over. I had already been in prayer on what to do. Stay? Leave? Go back to Florida? Clear as day the Lord spoke me to one morning.. I was alone in my parents house and laying in my bed. He said,

“Tampa is no longer your home.”

All I could do was say “Yes Lord.” It didn’t make me sad… He didn’t answer the staying or leaving yet and I realized that was because it was not my time to know. But what He told me was huge. It’s something that today I can saw without a shadow of a doubt that I am sticking to. What God says is good…

And this brings us to 2011.

What God says is good.

Another Christmastime and rest is what I need again. I’ve come to the end of me but this time it looks different—  this is in a spiritual sense. This is a good end to come to and one that should not be fought. 

Last Christmas, I would have never dreamed that I would go to Kenya in the new year. That was probably one of the most beautiful opportunities God has ever given me. But I’ve found in life that often times in beauty, there is pain… pain can come before beauty or after; or maybe both. In this case, both happened. Before Kenya, God had finally given me an answer about Hopes Inn. When a year came, He said leave. It was as clear as day… but I didn’t. I was scared. I had no money and yet I was watching God provide hundreds after hundreds of dollars for Kenya and I couldn’t even trust Him with my everyday life. What a lame excuse and lack of faith I had! So I stayed.. overstayed I should say, for two extra months. Those were not so pretty, but I look back and know that because God said GO and I didn’t. We can’t expect to be disobedient and have God bless us….

Pain lead up to Kenya. I finally got the guts one day and at the point no one understood and I obeyed the Lord. I went… and boy did He provide. He gave me a place to live and a job— both which I didn’t go looking for. I was so shocked and then I heard God say,

“Chelsie, I provide… not just for something like Kenya, but even for your everyday life. I am good.”

Talk about a beautiful smack down that lead me to beautiful Kenya. Well.. all I have to say is that God did something amazing there. He also did something in my life that I think I left in Africa. I hope one day He takes me back for more than two weeks. But until then, here I am, back in the states.

Pain came like  car crash when I came back to the states… pain that brought me to the end of me- that’s where I found the beauty again.

You see, God intends everything for the good of those who love Him. Sometimes we see people do things that aren’t right and when we see it, we can chose to either focus on that or on God. I think sometimes we focus so much on what people do because it’s something we can see physically; what a trap from the enemy.

But it was a trap I fell into this time… this trap sucks us dry and we can’t see with the eyes of God. Instead, we see with our own, sinful, damaged and broken eyes. Our flesh can’t possibly see what is good in the midst of tragedy… even when you try to be positive it’s only a false sense of hope. Looking at everything that was messed up, even though the truth is that it really was, was the last place I needed to look. I needed to look straight at the Lord.

A lot happened in the few months that lead to Christmastime. I can sit here and really trace back the moments where God ripped me out of killing myself and sorrow. He literally fought for me! 

His love brought me to a halt… and I was faced with a choice— what was I going to look at? Was I going to look at man or at Him? In deep conviction and repentance, I decided to look at Him. 

I was driving in my car when this happened. I about had to pull over because I was in complete awe… God started to show me why He is good in my life and everything going on in it.

He showed me what He orchestrated to save me.

I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say…

I welcomed Him back when I could finally get some words out. 

As I get ready to go home tomorrow, I can see how He lead me into a place so beautiful once again. His timing is perfect— a time of rest in Him is about to happen and also a time of life. I am in complete awe as I laid down every piece of me again. It was never about me and I am so thankful that once again God saved me from getting lost in that again.

When we come to the end of ourselves, that’s when beginning is found in God… and that is a beautiful place to be— it is good.

I have to start off by saying that God’s word is alive and active; hallelujah. Last night, I was reading in Jeremiah and God’s people were headed back to Egypt and living in complete rebellion to the Lord. They wanted to do what they wanted and they thought “freedom” was in the very place they were in bondage years before. God was pretty tired of it.. His love sent people over and over to confront their sins and “idols and things they created with their own hands” but the people disregarded it. They wanted to do what they wanted.

I sat there and thought, 

“How dumb can they be? Don’t they know the suffering and prayers their families lived through to be free from Egypt?”

And God delivered them… it was a miracle. A story that is still told today.

Yet these people thought it was better to go back.

God even told His people if they go back there would be famine and they would die, but they chose to rely on themselves… and well, that didn’t turn out so great. People died— in their own worship and pride.

This morning I was praying and God revealed something so amazing to me. He’s been teaching me to be obedient, lie low (be humble), stay in the boundaries and let go. Surrender was something scary to me for some reason in the past few months, but it has been so healing… God knows what He is talking about. As I was praying through things, the Spirit said,

“Chelsie, do not go back.”

I could hardly catch my breath because it was as if everything clicked. I started to praise God at first because I didn’t know what else to do; I knew exactly what He meant.

Just like the Israelites, God was telling me to not look back and not to walk back to the place of bondage and slavery. The only reason we go back is because we trust in ourselves and not Christ…. Christ died to set us free; not for us to run back to bondage.

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

Galatians 5:1

Sometimes we read the scriptures (well this is true for me anyways) and we think the Israelites were crazy… and we often miss that we are the same. Our hearts are so prone to wander and we are in desperate need of God and His mercy and grace. We must bind ourselves to Him and make a choice to not go back.

So my “Egypt,” so long… you are behind me and Christ paid a price that was not cheap. His promises are so real and true— I don’t want to leave His will. Lord, guard me and help me to never be proud or rely on myself. Take away all idols and make me Yours! 

Like the old song, when you decide to follow Jesus there’s “no turning back; no turning back.”

“And do you seek great things for yourself? Seek them not, for behold, I am bringing disaster upon all flesh, declares the LORD. But I will give you your life as a prize of war in all places to which you may go.” Jeremiah 45:5

I woke up yesterday on my 24th birthday with vision— it was vision that was not my own. Instead, it was vision breathed upon me by God. I could hardly get up because I was in such awe. When I finally got out of bed, I had to get on my knees. I started to pray and I started off by saying,

“Lord, I honestly don’t know if I have ever prayed this on any of my birthdays that I have known you, but I am going to pray it now because I know it is really what this thing is all about…”

I laid down my life, plans, dreams, hands, feet, hopes and anything else I had before the Lord. I begged Him to change me and to fill me with His heart and Spirit. I surrendered this new year of my life and I understood it was an extreme gift from God. I do not deserve His mercy and grace on my life, especially with all of my failures and sin, yet He still gave me life. So all I knew to do was give it back… every piece of it.

I told the Lord that I was saying “yes” to whatever He would say now and to change me so whenever He would speak I would obey without fear. I asked that this year He would use my life to impact His Kingdom and that people would be in Heaven because of my life; not so I would get noticed, but so I would live according to how He has called. That I would live for everything Jesus is about and I would do so in a humble way and know that it was nothing I did or could do. 

I told Jesus I wanted to love Him deeper than ever before and I asked Him to teach me how to love Him. I asked Him to help me to receive His love and for me to pour it back out to others. I told the Lord I wanted to walk with Him in a relationship realer than anything I have ever known before.

Vision is what He gave me when I woke up… vision of Him and how much I needed Him. Vision of how desperate this time in history is and how I must put my life in His hands. This life is not about me and it can’t be about me. On my very birthday I was on my knees realizing it was not about me. It wasn’t sad or anything, it was actually freeing. I have known and lived life in a way that is not about me, but there have been times I have forgotten that. In those moments it always creeps up on you and it’s hard to see it at first— for me it is pretty horrifying when you realize you all of a sudden compromised what God has called you to be because you care more about yourself in a world that is temporary. 

I saw myself for who I was: a sinner in desperate need of grace; not just in that moment, but every moment. This is something we need to see everyday— He is God and we are not. I cried out to the Lord to put focus back in my heart and to bind in my heart that I am nothing without Him. 

Then I got up and stood in my room. I looked in a mirror almost wildly and thought,

“I’ve tasted and I’ve seen how to be free.”

Twenty-four was a gift from God; it is a year of His promise in my life. A struggle, a battle and unanswered questions lead me to twenty-four. In my last few months of 23, God had me look back and He showed me where I failed and He taught me to surrender my ways. I learned to lay down what I couldn’t change and let God change me to be more life Him. I grew up in that time— alone. Well, it looked alone in the worlds terms I suppose, but I was loved and given hope by the very One who hung the stars. It was a tough growing process- I was stripped of things and they were replaced with new. Whenever you have to take something off, it hurts. Sometimes it even stings for days, maybe weeks. Sometimes you lay in bed at night and just beg God to let you close your eyes so you can get away from the stinging for a little bit. But, if you are in tune with God’s heart, you know that the pain is worth it. During this fight, I saw Christ on the cross. He had to go through serious pain to make something new. The Spirit would remind me that He only had good things for me and He would pick me back up. I can tell you now, His great love and grace healed me. His great correction was to change me into a woman that could carry His name. What I found so beautiful in it all was that when God’s correction comes, it only comes out of extreme love. 

Something amazing happened during my last week of being twenty-three. God was teaching me grace and to pour it out just as He does to me. In this lesson of grace, I was healed from the fight and unanswered questions. I was in such awe when it happened; I knew it was nothing in my own flesh or mind. The Holy Spirit had moved and changed me. I let go and I laid down everything that I thought I needed to hold on to.

I talked to a friend on the phone during that week, who went through a similar circumstance I did years ago.. I remember it well. I was a teenager watching someone I looked up to suffer. What happened to her wasn’t right and many people did things that were not of Christ, and although she hurt for a while, she allowed the Lord to do something new. She surrendered all her hurt and unanswered questions and chose to love God. She reminded me of this journey and she said something that shattered my human way of thinking:

“I can look back now at those seven months and say that it was one of the spiritually best seasons in my life. I grew closer to God than ever before; it was like a gift from Him.”

My mouth hung open as I heard her talk. I guess my flesh imagined her to say that it was one of the hardest… well, her circumstances were hard; she even said they hurt. But she chose to follow God and not hold on to circumstances. That choice impacted the rest of her life… for the best and for what really matters. 

I remember how much the Lord used her during that time. My life was even impacted as she poured into my life and prayed for me. I sat there and thought about what might have happened if she had never gone through that hard time. I realized how much God was glorified. 

God’s timing was so perfect in regards to that conversation. The Holy Spirit knew I was finally ready to receive His freedom. If my friend would have talked to me any earlier, I probably wouldn’t have received the great truth she spoke. I had been dying for months to be free, but I hadn’t truly let go of everything… even myself. So in that I thought,

“Lord, 24 is completely Yours. I believe right now that my walk with You will be so real and it will be better than anything I’ve ever known yet.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t asking God to not let me suffer in that prayer. Actually, the closer we are to the Lord, the more we suffer. But when we are truly in line with Him and in love with Him, there is a pure joy that nothing in this world can steal. Jesus said we would suffer just as He did and in suffering, many people see His power displayed and come to know Him. In that prayer, I was ready to obey and go whenever and wherever. 

In those last few days, the love for Africa flooded my heart again… whatever that means. And I am open.

I also realized the extreme gift and freedom He has given me in this time. It’s a time in my life that one day I will never be able to go back to. I thought that time was over, but for some reason, the Lord does not see it fit for it to be over…yet. So why fight the Lord when He knows what is best? Why tell Him what You want instead of asking Him what He wants?

Twenty-four came with surrendered arms. It was surrender to the war-torn life I have often chosen to the life God has called. It’s so amazing to think that the Lord loves us so much that He keeps calling us back and wants us to be free.

His boundaries set me free and gave me vision. His love restored me and humbled me. His gift of a new year gave me life.

So all I can say is thanks Jesus. You are so good to me and I don’t deserve any of it; do whatever You would will this year and my life. However long or short I live, I pray that You will be glorified.

Twenty-three, you were beautiful and tough; you taught me to grow up and how to stand when everything was crashing down. Soon we say goodbye and it’ll be time to say hello to a new song. Thank you Lord for the lessons you taught me and the freedom you are having me walk into— twenty-four:: it’s all for You Jesus. All of my days.