“And do you seek great things for yourself? Seek them not, for behold, I am bringing disaster upon all flesh, declares the LORD. But I will give you your life as a prize of war in all places to which you may go.” Jeremiah 45:5

I woke up yesterday on my 24th birthday with vision— it was vision that was not my own. Instead, it was vision breathed upon me by God. I could hardly get up because I was in such awe. When I finally got out of bed, I had to get on my knees. I started to pray and I started off by saying,

“Lord, I honestly don’t know if I have ever prayed this on any of my birthdays that I have known you, but I am going to pray it now because I know it is really what this thing is all about…”

I laid down my life, plans, dreams, hands, feet, hopes and anything else I had before the Lord. I begged Him to change me and to fill me with His heart and Spirit. I surrendered this new year of my life and I understood it was an extreme gift from God. I do not deserve His mercy and grace on my life, especially with all of my failures and sin, yet He still gave me life. So all I knew to do was give it back… every piece of it.

I told the Lord that I was saying “yes” to whatever He would say now and to change me so whenever He would speak I would obey without fear. I asked that this year He would use my life to impact His Kingdom and that people would be in Heaven because of my life; not so I would get noticed, but so I would live according to how He has called. That I would live for everything Jesus is about and I would do so in a humble way and know that it was nothing I did or could do. 

I told Jesus I wanted to love Him deeper than ever before and I asked Him to teach me how to love Him. I asked Him to help me to receive His love and for me to pour it back out to others. I told the Lord I wanted to walk with Him in a relationship realer than anything I have ever known before.

Vision is what He gave me when I woke up… vision of Him and how much I needed Him. Vision of how desperate this time in history is and how I must put my life in His hands. This life is not about me and it can’t be about me. On my very birthday I was on my knees realizing it was not about me. It wasn’t sad or anything, it was actually freeing. I have known and lived life in a way that is not about me, but there have been times I have forgotten that. In those moments it always creeps up on you and it’s hard to see it at first— for me it is pretty horrifying when you realize you all of a sudden compromised what God has called you to be because you care more about yourself in a world that is temporary. 

I saw myself for who I was: a sinner in desperate need of grace; not just in that moment, but every moment. This is something we need to see everyday— He is God and we are not. I cried out to the Lord to put focus back in my heart and to bind in my heart that I am nothing without Him. 

Then I got up and stood in my room. I looked in a mirror almost wildly and thought,

“I’ve tasted and I’ve seen how to be free.”

Twenty-four was a gift from God; it is a year of His promise in my life. A struggle, a battle and unanswered questions lead me to twenty-four. In my last few months of 23, God had me look back and He showed me where I failed and He taught me to surrender my ways. I learned to lay down what I couldn’t change and let God change me to be more life Him. I grew up in that time— alone. Well, it looked alone in the worlds terms I suppose, but I was loved and given hope by the very One who hung the stars. It was a tough growing process- I was stripped of things and they were replaced with new. Whenever you have to take something off, it hurts. Sometimes it even stings for days, maybe weeks. Sometimes you lay in bed at night and just beg God to let you close your eyes so you can get away from the stinging for a little bit. But, if you are in tune with God’s heart, you know that the pain is worth it. During this fight, I saw Christ on the cross. He had to go through serious pain to make something new. The Spirit would remind me that He only had good things for me and He would pick me back up. I can tell you now, His great love and grace healed me. His great correction was to change me into a woman that could carry His name. What I found so beautiful in it all was that when God’s correction comes, it only comes out of extreme love. 

Something amazing happened during my last week of being twenty-three. God was teaching me grace and to pour it out just as He does to me. In this lesson of grace, I was healed from the fight and unanswered questions. I was in such awe when it happened; I knew it was nothing in my own flesh or mind. The Holy Spirit had moved and changed me. I let go and I laid down everything that I thought I needed to hold on to.

I talked to a friend on the phone during that week, who went through a similar circumstance I did years ago.. I remember it well. I was a teenager watching someone I looked up to suffer. What happened to her wasn’t right and many people did things that were not of Christ, and although she hurt for a while, she allowed the Lord to do something new. She surrendered all her hurt and unanswered questions and chose to love God. She reminded me of this journey and she said something that shattered my human way of thinking:

“I can look back now at those seven months and say that it was one of the spiritually best seasons in my life. I grew closer to God than ever before; it was like a gift from Him.”

My mouth hung open as I heard her talk. I guess my flesh imagined her to say that it was one of the hardest… well, her circumstances were hard; she even said they hurt. But she chose to follow God and not hold on to circumstances. That choice impacted the rest of her life… for the best and for what really matters. 

I remember how much the Lord used her during that time. My life was even impacted as she poured into my life and prayed for me. I sat there and thought about what might have happened if she had never gone through that hard time. I realized how much God was glorified. 

God’s timing was so perfect in regards to that conversation. The Holy Spirit knew I was finally ready to receive His freedom. If my friend would have talked to me any earlier, I probably wouldn’t have received the great truth she spoke. I had been dying for months to be free, but I hadn’t truly let go of everything… even myself. So in that I thought,

“Lord, 24 is completely Yours. I believe right now that my walk with You will be so real and it will be better than anything I’ve ever known yet.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t asking God to not let me suffer in that prayer. Actually, the closer we are to the Lord, the more we suffer. But when we are truly in line with Him and in love with Him, there is a pure joy that nothing in this world can steal. Jesus said we would suffer just as He did and in suffering, many people see His power displayed and come to know Him. In that prayer, I was ready to obey and go whenever and wherever. 

In those last few days, the love for Africa flooded my heart again… whatever that means. And I am open.

I also realized the extreme gift and freedom He has given me in this time. It’s a time in my life that one day I will never be able to go back to. I thought that time was over, but for some reason, the Lord does not see it fit for it to be over…yet. So why fight the Lord when He knows what is best? Why tell Him what You want instead of asking Him what He wants?

Twenty-four came with surrendered arms. It was surrender to the war-torn life I have often chosen to the life God has called. It’s so amazing to think that the Lord loves us so much that He keeps calling us back and wants us to be free.

His boundaries set me free and gave me vision. His love restored me and humbled me. His gift of a new year gave me life.

So all I can say is thanks Jesus. You are so good to me and I don’t deserve any of it; do whatever You would will this year and my life. However long or short I live, I pray that You will be glorified.